Even when you suck...

Or at least you THINK you suck, on a run, ride, swim, etc. you are still doing SOMEthing! This was my lesson last night and it was hard one to sink into my thick skull.

I don't like doing things I'm not not quickly good at. My low self confidence apparently can't take it. sports was always a go to activity. Because I was always fairly natural at all the sports the PE teacher used to throw at us, I made my identity one of an athlete. I am slowly, and painfully, learning that running is not like other sports. It seems I was wise to dread the conditioning at practice. Coordination I have, iron lungs I do not!

Still, I have been SLOWLY improving, and feeling good about it and last nights run just felt like a slap in the face. Let me paint ya little picture- its a warm evening, around 6, and I want to get in a quick 3 miles before my sister arrives to play games. I have convinced Jesse to run with me and push the kids, so we take off from our front door. My goal is to get down to 12 min miles by the relay, and based on a run last week with two sub 13 miles that included some walking, I feel this is totally doable! Despite the heat, I tick off the first mile in 12:09, but fear I am fading fast. It's not my legs, but stomach that wants me to give up. That "you are gonna puke or poop" feeling hits and I can't shake it. The next two miles are slow and hold no enjoyment for me. I run too slow, walk too slow, even push the cross walk buttons too slow. Despite how awful I feel, I am super glad Jesse is with me or the run might even look worse! I finally get my sorry butt to our street, my always designated stopping point, look at my time and almost cry. The second and third miles took me 27 min to finish. Awful. I felt AWFUL. Jesse tried to compliment me, but it fell on deaf, sweaty ears.

I never felt like I would have been better off not running, it was just having this dark cloud of disappointment raining down on me did nothing for my spirits the rest of the night. I began planning out the rest of the weeks runs, hoping in one of those outings my magic results from all my hard work would find me. They certainly weren't around for this run. But as the night wore on, and my spirits were lifted by a rousing game of progressive rummy (which I won! Booya) I came to the realization that running is hard. Maybe for a few thousand out there, it comes easy, but for the rest of us, it will take work. Every run won't be better than the last. If getting out the door is half the battle for you, and just finishing is the other half, than even a run like last night's makes you a complete winner. So, the wheel of morality tells me, I'm a WINNER! It also says tonight's run will be better. Thanks wheel.